Child in Winter
"The boats are a picture aren't they?"
Terri, briefly raised her head and met the eyes of a blonde young man. He was fondling Atlanta her Aunt's standard poodle. Lost in thought she hadn't noticed his approach. Turning away from him she looked at the panorama spread before her. Blue, white and red sails beating against the wind. Further across the water children were running by the man-made lake. She brushed her hand across her eyes.
"Does she belong to you?" The young man asked, his long brown fingers grasping the poodle's jewelled collar.
'If she did she wouldn't be wearing that. She belongs to my Aunt.'
He had nice eyes, blue with laughter crinkles at the corners. His mouth was attractive too, firm lips parting to show strong white teeth, but she had finished with men. Clipping on Atlanta's lead, Terri rose to her feet ignoring the proffered hand.
"Do you live locally?"
"What's it to you?" Her reply was rude and childish but she she had come to the riverside to be alone with her misery. What right had a stranger to intrude on her?
"Look I hope you don't think I'm trying to pick you up or anything but I'm new here and I wondered if you could recommend a restaurant nearbye."
Terri blushed. For a moment she had forgotten how unattractive she looked. As if such a fine looking fellow could be interested in her. "I believe there is one near to the water centre over the other side. This path leads you to a foot bridge about a mile and a half from here."
"Can you reccomend it?"
"Sorry I wouldn't know I'm just visiting here,' she called over her shoulder as she strode away from the river. The wind lifted her hair flicking strands across her eyes. She would have it cut tomorrow. There was no reason to keep it long now; no Jamie to please. It was over, five wasted years. She should have said goodbye the first time he broke a date instead she had taken him back time and again. She still wore his ring. She touched the tiny opal with her thumb. 'Opals for tears,' Auntie said. She was right enough. Tears were all this ring had brought her.
She took Atlanta off the lead at the stile at the end of the foot path. The dog crawled under while Terri climbed over. She looked back. The young man was almost out of sight striding purposefully towards the water centre.
At the stile, at the end of the footpath, she looked back. The young man was almost out of sight striding purposefully towards the water centre.
"Had a nice walk?" Auntie patted the dog, her shrewed old eyes scanned Tern's face, "Would you like a cup of tea? Oh no you don't do you. Orange juice then?" she said.
"Sit down Auntie and I'll fetch tea for you."
How much did she know Tern wondered? Mother was anxious to keep the secret but she must have given some reason for this visit. After all nieces don't travel from Scotland in the middle of March to visit an Aunt they had paid their once a year visit to in August, without a good reason.
"I met a loon by the river Auntie. He tried to chat me up."
A momentary flicker of disapproval crossed Auntie's face,"Cousin Debbie has invited you to join her and some friends tonight. They are going to a night club, in town, I believe." was all she said.
Tern wasn't sure she wanted to go to a night club or anywhere else with cousin Debbie who was sure to question her. As long ago as last August Debbie had urged her to throw Jamie over. "He's got you on a string," she told her. "How can you let a man treat you like that?"
Perhaps she should have taken that advice, but Jamie had been around since academy days. She couldn't face life without him. Once she had tried to give him up. Refused to see him; gone out with the girls but they all had boy friends and she had spent Saturday nights alone. Remembering the loneliness of those Saturday nights brought a lump to her throat.
Debbie came early. "Good thing too," she assured anyone who cared to listen. For Tern, she asserted, would have gone out positively naked. She hadn't put on a speck of make up.
Tern looked into the gilt framed mirrow at the face Debbie had given her. Lips red black; brown eyes framed in pinky mauve lids. Her soft mousy hair piled high upon her head and streaked with purple. What would Jamie say if he could see her now? He hated make up, wouldn't allow her to wear it. But Jamie was four hundred miles away. It no longer mattered what he liked or disliked.
"Aren't you going to leave that behind?" Debbie touched the opal ring.
"It won't come off. I've put on weight." Tern twisted the ring she had worn night and day since she was sixteen.
"I thought misery was supposed to make you lose weight not put it on." Debbie chirped. "Don't look at me like that. Auntie told me you had broken off your engagement. Not before time either. Honestly Tern, haven't you ever heard of women's lib in your village?"
"I'd look a fine sight if I burned my bra," Tern smiled ruefully. I'm a 3~D. But she knew what Debbie meant, she had strange views about women's independance. She even thought men should fetch messages and do housework. Well the fellows in the village back home would hoot at that.
"How much is the entrance fee, Tern asked as they climbed the iron staircase leading up towards the illuminated flamingo." Her savings were lost in Jamie's building society account. It had never seemed worthwhile to have one of her own.
"Nothing. Girls go free until ten o'clock."
"Sweltering heat, flashing lights hitting bouncing bodies. Debbie leaning towards her: impossible to hear anything but the swelling sound of the disco as she was pulled forward to join the bodies gyrating and twisting on the pocket handkerchief floor.
"Hullo there." She felt a friendly hand touch her shoulder. "Come and have a drink."
Tern shook her head. "Did you go to the water centre?" she yelled.
"Yes. Can't we go somewhere we can talk? My name's Martin," he told her. "I'm working at the Queen's hospital."
Tern smiled at him and went on dancing.
"Where did you find such a gorgeous hunk?" Debbie asked.
"Oh it's just a loon I met by the river." Tern answered. "I shan't be seeing him again."
Debbie raised an eyebrow " Don't wear your heart on your sleeve Tern. Enjoy yourself. It's crazy to worry about fellows. Why don't you get yourself a job while you're down here? You could lodge with Auntie until you were settled. Then we could get a flat together."
"What could I do? I've no training."
Really, she didn't need Debbie's advice. She had no intention of starting another love affair, ever.
Why then did she feel her spirits rise when she saw him leaning against the stile? It was absurd to suppose he was waiting for her. She hadn't told him she would be walking the poodle by the river every day.
He fell in beside her. Together they faced the blustering wind. The boats were on the bank today. The halyards slapping the masts like tinkling bells. Further along the towpath Canadian geese waddled, gawking away from them as Atlanta chased them, skidding to a halt as she reached the water's edge.
"What's he like?" Martin asked holding her ringed hand.
"Jamie? He's dead," she said.
Why had she said that? Well it didn't matter she would never see this loon again once she returned home.
"I am sorry," Martin said quietly. His brows wrinkled as he pushed back his long fair hair.
"It's not important," Tern shrugged away her memories.
Those memories became less important day by day. There was a new spring to her step.
"Walking Atlanta is doing you good," Auntie said. "The fresh air is putting roses in your cheeks."
"Will you come out with me Saturday night?" Martin asked."We could have dinner after at the Shalimar. I've heard the food's good. That's if you like Indian."
"Going out are you?" Auntie asked as Tern emerged from the bathroom, her shorn locks gleaming.
"That's right enough. It's the loon I told you about."
"I do think," Auntie said, "That loon is a ridiculous expression. I keep thinking you mean a mad man."
"Ah well Auntie," Tern said twisting the opal ring, "Could be he is mad wanting to date a girl like me."
Auntie sighed, "Try larding your finger and then putting your hand in ice water."
It worked. Tern clutched the ring in her hand. She could send it back now. She brushed back a tear as she looked at the tell tale white band around her finger. Suddenly she began to sob, her body shaking with pent up grief. Auntie put her arms around her. "Cry it out lovie," she said,"Then let it go. It's over and done with.
Slowly the sobs ceased. "It was seeing the pale dead flesh. It reminded me..."
"I know, I know." Auntie soothed. "But the mark will go in time. Now blow your nose and go and get ready to meet this loon of yours."
She didn't really want to keep this date but she could not just leave him waiting. She had felt the humiliation of broken dates.
....
The first time Jamie had let her down she had waited for two hours. Checking her watch time and again; worrying lest he had been involved in soine dreadful accident. Later she had come to accept that he might not turn up. The last time she had been late herself and not waited at all and then tortured herself with the thought that perhaps she had missed him.
Martin's smile warmed her. "Hi," he said. "I was afraid you weren't coining."
Over the tandori she told him about Jamie and the baby. "I thought we were to be married I couldn1t believe it at first when he refused. He accused me of deliberately getting pregnant."
"Will you take him back if he asks?"
It was important, Tern felt, to be honest, "I don't think so, but I've said that so many times. I go back home tomorrow" she added and felt a twinge of regret.
"Will you write?" Martin asked.
Tern shook her head, there was no point in starting such an unpromising relationship. To wait for letters could be just another heartache. Never again, she vowed.
Martin took her hand, "I'd like to see you again."
"Maybe you will. I've applied to The Queen's Hospital for a nurse's training course, so if they take me on, and if I can raise the return bus fare..."
"I'll look out for you," he said. "And I'll think of you whenever I walk by the river."
The rain beat down on the bus roof all the long journey home and yet she no longer felt the deep misery of a fortnight ago. The pain was still with her; she could never forget but she felt stronger now. The weeping was over, she would look forward not back. Perhaps she should have given Martin her address after all.
"Jamie's been asking after you," Mother announced as she opened the door. "He wants you to ring him."
Anger swelled through Tern. After all her pain, he thought he had only to beckon'.
Three days passed. A busy three days. She had been called for an interview at Queen's hospital. She sold everything she had bought for the home she and Jamie had planned for she would need every penny. Auntie was generous but she didn't intend to take advantage of her.
She sent back the few presents he had bought her, but not the ring. She had a use for that.
When she met him at the door his smile was just as confident, his hair as red, his arms as strong as she remembered. He couldn't believe she had changed.
"I'll marry you," he said.
"You're too late Jamie. My love died with the baby,"she said. "I've grown up. From now on I am going to do something with my life, I don't want to marry anyone,least of all you."
He tried to kiss her. As she pushed him away, she pressed the ticket into his hand.
"What's this ?" he asked.
"I've pawned your ring. Goodbye Jamie." She closed the door.
Mother hovered in the hall, her brown eyes anxious, "Has Jamie gone?" she asked.
"Yes, for good an all. I've pawned his ring for the fare to Nottingham. Oh I know you would have found the money for me but I've cost you enough. And after all he told me to keep the ring when he threw me over. This way he can get back if he wishes."
They talked long into the night. "I know three years is a long time but once I've qualified I can apply for a job nearer home." She reached for her mother's hand. " You know there is nothing for me here nearer than Aberdeen, it's too far to commute there and the rents are sky high."
The sadness in her mother's eyes tugged at her heart strings.
"I'll ring you every week," she said.
"I thought to see you settled by now. I was married and had two babies by the time I was your age."
Tern sighed. Once she had thought marriage and a family spelt happiness and yet when she had first guessed she was pregnant she had desperately hoped it was a false alarm. She wasn't ready for marriage! All the bewilderment of those three months came back to her. The shock of Jamie's refusal, her own rejection of the baby and the desperate feeling of guilt when she lost the child. As if it were a judgment on her.
His photograph stood on the bedside table. She took it out of the frame,tore it across and threw it in the bin. From her case she took another photograph. Martin was holding a stick for Auntie's poodle. In the background the sailing boats skimmed the river.
Even if she never saw Martin again she would remember him with gratitude. He had come along when she had been at her lowest ebb. She had believed herself to be fat, unloved and unlovable but there had been admiration in his eyes. She recalled the way his eyes lit up whenever they met.
Already the mark on her finger was darkening, soon there would be no visible sign of the love that was lost.
Spring comes early in the south. There would be pussy-willow on the river bank and she would watch the boats again. In her heart she knew she wanted to see Martin and she felt sure they would meet again, one day.
A new strength tightened within her. The future seemed brighter than ever before.
Soon she would leave this sad winter of her childhood behind her. But she would return a woman with a future.
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